Author: Kelly Jo McDonnell

Empty Nest? Prime Magazine

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GRACE
BY KELLY JO MCDONNELL
My son had training wheels on his bike for a long time. Longer than most, I would say. The reasons vary—perhaps I was too soft, and would keep my hand on the back of his bike too often. I’m a single Mother, and on occasion I carry the “mother Hen” role a bit far. Or that he just seemed to be perfectly happy with them on, so I left them on, long after the neighborhood boys took theirs off. He would adamantly deny that he was ready to take them off, even when I raised them up so they weren’t really even touching the pavement. When I tried to take them off, he insisted that I hold onto the back of the bike. He didn’t think he could ride it without my hand holding it up.
But on Mother’s Day in 2008, that all changed. It’s a very specific memory, since something in my heart “dinged.” A ding that meant I’d be feeling this again, but in a different circumstance. We were heading out on a bike ride, myself, my son Hayden, and my long-time partner Cy. Cy announced to Hayden that he would be riding his bike without the training wheels; he proclaimed this as he was taking them off his little bike. I still remember Hayden looking at me with complete fear and uncertainty in his eyes. “You hold onto me, Mommy?” he pleaded. I figured perhaps it was time for me to release my grip. But I really didn’t want to. “You can do it,” I reassured, and climbed onto my bike next to him.
My baby climbed onto his bike, and stared down the driveway. I expected a wipe-out, or at least a stagger getting started and trying to turn out of the driveway, so I braced myself. Without looking back at me, he started pumping his pedals and away he rolled…successfully. Down the driveway, then he turned and continued down the road. It was there he stopped and put his foot down, looked back and exclaimed to
me, “Did you see me! I did it all by myself!” And away he went down the road, not waiting for his mother to catch up. As I watched him go, I couldn’t help but get a glimpse of things ten plus years down the road. My little Hayden was well on his way to growing up, and when he leaves for college and leaves me with my empty nest, he probably won’t look back then either. And deep down, I don’t want him to. But it makes the heart sting just the same. I knew I would have to accept that Hayden would someday ride off into his own future. Then what? How would I handle that? With grace and composure? Not sure.
Other friends of mine, most of them baby boomers, are dealing with this issue currently, the dreaded “empty nest.” I notice that some have euphoria, like a newfound freedom. And some seem completely lost and are downright lonesome. And of course, I gleaned the most from my parental birds, who
According to research by Del Webb, 26 percent of baby boomers say they felt like newlyweds when their kids were gone.
seemed to soar after me and my siblings left the nest back in the 1980s. According to research by Del Webb, 26 percent of baby boomers say they felt like newlyweds when their kids were gone. 58 percent said they are or were ready for the kids to head out of the nest. The older the boomers become, the more ready they are to clear the nest. After researching both

books and friends, I’ve come up with a few gems that I’m going to keep in mind when my time comes.
First, and the most important in my book, is to keep the magic of “Challenge” in your life. Keep doing your routine in your nest as nothing happened will reveal parenting holes. What the heck else would you like to do? Learn Yoga? Learn how to make sushi? Get a tattoo? There are a lot of opportunities out there, and you only have to hop out of the nest to find them. I was confused when my 70-something mother decided to take up kayaking just last summer. “You have a bad back!” I blurted out. “Gotta have a challenge, honey,” was her answer.
Second, keep things interesting, especially yourself. I’m amazed at my mother and father who are always trying new things, including kayaking and fly fishing. Whether it’s a hip new TV show, the latest news, or a weird fashion fad, they keep up on it. While they have lifelong friends, they also keep “younger” friends. She and my father are interesting to talk to, and everyone likes their company, no matter the age. They don’t hole themselves up in the house I grew up in. Far from it. Seems like I can never catch them at the nest…they’re always on the road looking for a new adventure. And keeping it interesting.
Third, don’t let the technology at your fingertips allow you to “hover”over your birds once they’re out of the nest. There are many options today for staying in touch with our kids—texting, email, chat, Skype or just calling them on their
cell phones. I have one baby boomer friend who seems to keep constant dibs on her daughter while she’s in college. I think it’s her full-time job. While we’ll always worry about our kids, it will send the wrong message if we seem to be nagging them all the time…via technology. Use it here and there, as it used to be “in the old days.” Being a hovering parent isn’t good in the nest, or out of it.
And lastly, just like when your children were small, remem

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ber the little things. It’s those tiny moments that keep us going. It doesn’t have to be, “Now let’s sell the house, shave our heads bald and join the circus!” Take a look back and see what really mattered once. Look good enough and you’ll see it. What adventures do you want to have? They can be little adventures, not huge ones. Were you once an inspiring writer before family life got too busy? What were you passionate about at one time? Perhaps that flame never extinguished…it’s still there waiting for you. A small, tiny gem, but a gem just the same.
It will be interesting to see if I will handle myself grace- fully with my own empty nest. I hope to. Until then, I continue to watch my growing son head out on his bike, spending more and more time with his friends. His training wheels still hang in my garage, but he doesn’t need them anymore. On occasion he’ll wave to me as I watch from the door, but mostly he rides away full throttle without a single look back.
Grace.␣

Real Life: MN. Parent Magazine

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Real Life :: Tony Carr

Tony Carr knows all about bridging the tough issues. Just one look at the Stillwater native’s collection of memorabilia and it’s easy to see why. It’s a part of history that’s tough to view for both kids and adults—and even tougher to talk about.

Carr, a former professional basketball player, and currently a professional diversity speaker, began collecting black memorabilia about 20 years ago. Every piece of Carr’s collection has a story, and he knows every word of it.

What was your first piece of memorabilia?

My first piece was an Aunt Jemima salt and pepper shaker [set]. I bought it down in northern Illinois for [about] 50 cents. After that, I started paying attention and researching memorabilia. I’d see an ashtray and wonder where it came from. That got the juices flowing. It’s history, but there’s no finger pointing. It’s not about that. It’s about everyone’s struggle.


Has having kids changed how you collect and display?

Once my daughters began arriving, I changed my collection a bit. I rotate my artifacts in accordance to my daughters, and what I think is appropriate to display based on their ages.

Without a doubt, the piece that children (and most adults) notice first is the Klansman statue. It’s an eerie thing…period. My parents could not even look at it. They had personal experience. I had to put it away when they were visiting.

How has your collection affected your children in a positive way?

One thing I’ve found, each time [my daughters] become more aware of my memorabilia pieces, it’s a history lesson. When it was Martin Luther King Day, they would see videos at school and see the KKK…they would come back to me and say, ‘I saw that (he gestures toward the Klan statue) in a video!’ This gives them an opportunity to talk about it.

I try to give my daughters positive role models to gravitate toward. All my girls love the Muhammad Ali doll from the ’70s, for example. They saw him on a video and it gave me an opportunity to tell them what he stood for, and how active he was in the civil rights movement.

What is it that you hope this collection conveys to your girls?

Two things: the first is to understand their ancestors, and how their blood, sweat, and tears gave them the privileges they have today. And number two, I tell them no matter what kind of day you have at school, it’s never going to be as bad as it was back in those days. It’s definitely a privilege to have that opportunity.

I would like to take all of my daughters to Mississippi. I’m waiting until my youngest is around seven or eight. I’d like them to touch the dirt. It’s a weird feeling to sit on your roots, to feel it—it does overtake you. It’s instinctual, and it’s home. I want to see if they feel the same thing. They’re just about ready.

Back-yard skating traditions

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Back-yard skating tradition continues in Lino Lakes

  • Article by: KELLY JO McDONNELL , Special to the Star Tribune
  • Updated: January 24, 2012 – 11:15 PM

Kids of all ages are flocking to back-yard skating rinks in Lino Lakes, thanks to the recent cold snap.

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Bob Sproull’s backyard rink has drawn lots of kids, including, from left, Colin Pechman, Tyler Steed, Ben Sproull, Joey Summers and Will Steed.

Last week’s arctic blast gave an assist to one of those staples of Minnesota winters — the back-yard hockey rink — but even amid the mostly mild weather the tradition endured, as three hockey dads in the Centennial School District can attest.

This is Ben Peterson’s third year in the back-yard rink game. The Lino Lakes resident has two sons, ages 13 and 11, both hockey players. They went to skate on a buddy’s rink in Elk River a few years ago, and the idea took over. “I really wanted one,” Peterson said.

The first year didn’t come without problems. The ground wasn’t level, “so I ended up asking a neighbor who was a farmer, and we put it up in the old pasture behind his house.”

This year, the rink dimensions are 50 by 100 feet. The farmer helped level the ground with his Bobcat, and Peterson and some neighbors built the frame from old boards.

The rink attracts kids of all ages around the neighborhood. “The older guys slow the game down a little bit so that they can play with the younger guys. They all know the rules of the rink, and show respect,” Peterson said. “If they don’t, they aren’t going to be invited back.”

Rick Mathies lives nearby, and his 10-year-old son often can be found on Peterson’s rink — when he’s not on his own.

In Mathies’ case, Mother Nature gave a hand: When the family moved to the neighborhood in 2007, their property came complete with a small pond. Right away, Mathies went out and shoveled off the snow.

“People started coming out of the woodwork,” he said with a laugh. “Everybody showed up. Since it’s a pond, it does crack, and it’s exposed to the elements a lot, so I started running a hose off the water heater and flooding it once a week. It gives the kids a good skating surface. I added built-in nets, also.”

Mathies also says the neighborhood kids are respectful of the pond rink rules. “All the kids play on teams, and there’s always somebody out there,” he said. “All the neighbors got together and bought sets of 1,200-watt lights. … we have nine sets of lights up. I sometimes think a plane might land there!”

Both dads agree that the rinks have brought the neighborhood together. “We’ll keep this going,” said Peterson, “We’re making memories for the kids that they can remember for the rest of their life.”

Bob Sproull, another Lino Lakes dad with a 9-year-old son and 11-year-old daughter, also is making memories. After tinkering with a 20-by-40 rink last year, he bought a kit last fall and put up a 30-by-62 sheet.

Sproull said the neighborhood kids have found his rink as well. “Everyone has liked it, it’s much smoother than some of the other rinks,” he said, “My rink holds 14,000 gallons of water right now.”

He has added some little touches, including LED lights mounted to trees, and has extra skates and dozens of extra pucks for the kids. He even has rigged up his own “PVC Pipe Zamboni” which hooks to his hose in the garage and helps smooth the ice.

So did the mild early winter cause any problems? “This year, it’s actually been really nice,” Peterson said before the deep freeze. “We got our rink set up and filled with water before that first cold snap, and it froze all the water in the rink…. Some days, the kids were out skating in their T-shirts, it’s been that warm.”

Mathies concurred that it hasn’t been “that bad” this winter. “I actually would like a little snow,” he said, “it’s so brown. Last year was a major task, there were three of us dads out there with our snowblowers getting the snow off the pond ice.”

Sproull said the warm weather has pros and cons. Pucks are easier to find without all the snow on the ground. However, all the leaves and seeds blow onto the ice on a windy day. He said he had to get on his knees and dig them out with a screwdriver.

“You definitely spend a lot more time preparing it and serving it than you actually use it,” said Sproull. “However maybe next year I’ll sell sponsorships!”

Kelly Jo McConnell is a freelance writer from Lino Lakes.

Inside Track to the great outdoors

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Inside track to the great outdoors in Lino Lakes

  • Article by: KELLY JO McDONNELL , Special to the Star Tribune
  • Updated: December 6, 2011 – 2:29 PM

A prominent naturalist will speak to parents of home schoolers to help infuse kids with a love of the outdoors.

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Naturalist Maria Pierz guided a group of children as they explored the Wargo Nature Center together.

Sil Pembleton has a passion for the outdoors and works to share it with kids and parents, and that’s what she’ll be doing next week at Wargo Nature Center in Lino Lakes.

Pembleton, a naturalist who has written several wildlife books for children, among other endeavors, will be a guest speaker for the Home School Program presented by Anoka County’s Parks and Recreation Department. The program offers monthly environmental, recreational and natural history sessions for home school students and their families.

Pembleton “is a conservationist with a real connection,” said Jennifer Fink of the Parks and Rec Department. “She gets kids connected to the outdoors. … They are the people who are going to help us preserve and take care of the environment. We have to build it when they’re young.”

Pembleton’s Dec. 15 presentation will be aimed at parents. “The kids will be off doing some education classes at that time,” Fink said. “She’s working with the parents and offering them tips and ideas for how to get their kids engaged in the outdoors.”

Pembleton said that, while introducing kids to the outdoors is key, so is reaching their parents. “My program offers simple and fun things that parents can do who don’t feel extremely comfortable in the out of doors,” she said. “Parents and teachers are so influential in a child’s life, so if I can get them going … I’m happy.”

She said outdoor lessons build life experiences and can help children as students.

“They have a better understanding of science in school in the early years,” she said. “When you have the chance to play in the stream, or dig in the dirt, or watch the clouds, or build with blocks, it gives you this feeling of how things work.”

Pembleton and her husband, Ed, have always been passionate about nature, and they’ve pursued that passion for more than 30 years as educators, naturalists and conservationists.

During her career, Sil Pembleton worked at the Smithsonian Institution and was director of environmental studies at Hard Bargain Farm in Washington, D.C., an outdoor educational facility on the Potomac River. One of her favorite “disconnect” stories comes from her time there.

She was demonstrating how to milk a cow, and a young girl asked: “But where does the meat come out?”

“This was right in our nation’s capital,” Pembleton said with a laugh. “I had daily reminders of how disconnected the kids were. They had no idea that their food, their automobiles, their computers in the schools, come from the Earth. It’s all Earth material. We’ve just changed it so much it’s hard to recognize.”

Pembleton’s program includes giving parents a weather guide calendar that explains day-by-day what is going on in nature. She said it gives parents a “heads up” on what kinds of things they and their children can look for while outdoors.

“For example, in the calendar there’s a chart to help you figure out how fast the wind is blowing. You can start with bubbles! … It’s fun, but learning at the same time.”

Pembleton said she gets all sorts of parents at her programs. She notices that particularly young parents aren’t quite sure where to start.

“Every child needs to keep that sense of wonder,” she said, “and needs the companionship of one adult who can share it and rediscover the joy and the excitement of the world we live in. I want to help the parents feel adequate about sharing the simple, fun activities that they can do. … And the kids take it from there.”

Rehabbing Computers & Prisoners

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  • Article by: KELLY JO McDONNELL , Special to the Star Tribune
  • Updated: December 3, 2011 – 9:32 PM

Minnesota Computers for Schools trains inmates to refurbish donated computers that are then sold to schools at a fraction of the cost of new equipment.

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Prison inmates Carlos Smith, right, and David Collins refurbished computers for the Minnesota Computers for Schools program at the state prison in Stillwater. Last year, more than 3,400 donated computers were refurbished instead of being destroyed.

Photo: Courtney Perry, Star Tribune

What do Stillwater prison and a K-12 Minnesota school have in common? One has inmates doing hard time, and the other is dealing with hard times from budget cuts.

But there is other common ground.

The Minnesota Computers for Schools (MCFS) program is a non-profit organization that trains Stillwater Correctional Facility inmates to refurbish computers donated by local businesses. The computers are then shipped to K-12 schools across the state for a nominal fee.

“I think a lot of these offenders want to work on computers because they know that’s what is happening in the world,” said Tamara Gillard, executive director of MCFS.

In 1997, Gov. Arne Carlson had heard about a computers-for-schools program at a governor’s conference in California. “The corrections there had been a wonderful partner, and it was a win-win,” Gillard said. “It kept the inmates busy, learning valuable skills, and it’s a good part of restorative justice.”

One of the 30 inmates working recently in the Minnesota program on the third floor of a prison industries building was Carlos Smith, who said he was unfamiliar with computers when he started.

“It’s kind of like living in the Stone Age,” he said of computer-free cellblocks. Smith, who has a daughter, said he takes pride in rebuilding computers to benefit schoolchildren.

“It gave me an opportunity to do something that’s giving back,” said Smith, who is serving a lengthy prison sentence. “To be in prison, it’s a chance to make something out of a negative situation.”

Another inmate, Alveto Rivera, has been in the program since April and said workers feel inspired. “All of us, we fix them to the best of our ability.”

Though the program has been around for years — and some marketing is sent to area superintendents — there is still a need to get the word out.

“MCFS can save schools a large amount of money in their technology purchases,” Gillard said. “Our equipment includes tech support and a three-year warranty on computers. Schools can take this savings and possibly put it into curriculum expenses.”

In some instances, schools can purchase two to three refurbished laptops for the price of one new one.

“Many schools are having to cut teachers, transportation, major class subjects. … Schools can’t afford to keep the attitude that new technology is the best and only solution,” Gillard said.

On average, 35 or 40 inmates work in the program.

“We work hard with mentoring the inmates,” she said. “They apply like a normal job. They will eventually test out and work side-by-side next to a senior technician [an inmate who has been refurbishing for a long time].

“We do quarterly reviews with them. They have job expectations, and if they reach their goals, they get a raise each quarter. The inmates are giving back to the community through their work.”

All the old data is wiped cleaned from hard drives outside the prison walls before the computers reach the workers. The inmates do not handle any sort of data, Gillard said, nor do they have access to the Internet.

Once refurbished, the computers are placed in public, private or charter schools in Minnesota, as well as in educationally based nonprofit organizations. MCFS has worked with 121 schools across the state.

Timothy Brockman, supervisor of information systems at Forest Lake Area Schools, is one such client. He learned about the MCFS program at a conference and was impressed. He said the Forest Lake schools have been purchasing almost all of their computers from MCFS for more than five years now.

“We are extremely happy with all aspects of what we get — the quality of the equipment, the cost savings, the fact that it is green,” he said. “Money was a huge factor. We needed newer equipment, and we could not afford to purchase brand new equipment.”

Gillard said MCFS makes sure it meets the specific needs of each school or nonprofit. “We’ll build to that order if they need additional memory or a larger hard drive,” she said.

Another inmate, Rhon Butler, has earned compliments from program managers for his dedication. Under Department of Corrections policy, each inmate can work a maximum of four years fixing the computers.

“Computers are the future now,” he said. “If I could finish the rest of my time [in prison] out, I’d do it right here.”

Kelly Jo McDonnell is a freelance writer from Lino Lakes.

Holiday Funk-

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Putting the kibosh on the post-holiday funk

When the holiday season ends and January rolls around, this month in Minnesota can elicit disparate emotions like none other. Some of these feelings might be as warm and comforting as a cup of egg nog; and some may border on the … well, the funky. Parents perform like Olympic athletes during the holidays, yet once January hits and the “race” is over, some of us may sit on the couch and wonder—now what?

And it’s not just parents feeling the effects; kids do, too. For them, the anticipation is over and gifts have been opened; it’s cold outside; and worse yet, school is about to commence.

It’s time to be proactive in December. Consider some of these preemptive tips, with hopes that when January hits, the doldrums are just a bit less than usual.

Flex-vision

Mothers, especially, can be unnecessarily hard on themselves. Maybe it’s because many focus on what they should have done—or should have done better—rather than just enjoying the season of giving and receiving.

Relax! Cherish the holiday and let the ‘not-so-comforting’ visions melt away. For example, why did our family-decorated gingerbread house look like something out of a Tim Burton film? Not sure. Did the snowman, built during a snowstorm, look like the perfect rendition of Frosty? Not by a long shot—but my eight year-old son and his cousins were proud of that snowman, replete with antlers and a grimace, no less. The whole family was involved in the creation, which is a gift in itself.

The answer to re-training your holiday ideals is above. Do you see it? Our children answer it for us. My son wasn’t preoccupied with having the perfect snowman, or with having a cookie-cutter gingerbread house. Nor should we. Shift your mindset a bit … flex-vision if you will. The funk we sometimes feel in January can be partly due to those ideals we still hold about the having perfect holiday season. I say, plug in A Christmas Story and watch the Bumpus hounds annihilate the Christmas turkey. That will get your head in gear.

My son talks excitedly about his presents, time with his cousins, and of course, his horned snowman. Hold onto memories like these—they are warm and comforting if you just look closely enough.

Organized funk

The daunting task of putting away the holiday decorations is enough to make any parent and child feel the funk. This does not need to be a sad and painful task for all involved. How about throwing an “Un-Decorating” party? Try to make it fun for yourself and your kids. My son used to hide in his room when this task was set before us. He didn’t want to see his favorite ornament stashed away, or all of the Santa figurines boxed up for another year. Once we made a party out of it, however, it helped him understand that while the holiday season was over, he didn’t have to be sad about it.

Set a date to un-decorate, and get everyone involved. Make sure your plastic bins and containers are out and ready to be filled up. Extra bubble wrap and tissue paper should be laid out. My son enjoys wrapping up his ornaments and putting them in his “special” bin where they will await him next Christmas. After everything is secured, enjoy some food, music, and games.


Green funk?

No, not the Grinch: “green” living—an important lesson for our kids to practice. The holidays abound with learning opportunities related to recycling. Trying to keep a little “green” in mind will help you feel responsible and organized at the same time.

Stacking the holiday boxes carefully will help them retain their shape when they are in storage. My son and I like to keep using bows until they literally fall apart. Once they begin to lose their shape, combine them with new and smaller bows to make an arrangement for next year. Once they are too far-gone, recycle them—they are paper, after all.

Don’t forget all those holiday cards that have stacked up, either. Most can be used in scrapbooks or made into nametags for gifts or even a paper ornament come next December. Our favorite is laminating a captivating image. Then we punch a hole in the corner, and add a colorful ribbon to hang it on the tree.

While it can be hard to grasp in the midst of cold, short days and long, dark nights, January heralds a reason to celebrate. For parents, it can be looked upon as the beginning of a new year, full of possibilities. For children, it’s the anticipation of baseball, bike riding, and the wonderful gifts that the changing seasons offer them. So get into that mindset in December. Before you know it, the New Year will be here!

Caution: Deer Crossing

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Caution: Deer crossing

  • Article by: KELLY JO MCDONNELL , Special to the Star Tribune
  • Updated: November 23, 2011 – 12:29 AM

At this active time of the year for deer, officials and data offer a heads-up for motorists.

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Photo: Brian Peterson, Star Tribune

There are an estimated 900,000 to 1 million deer in Minnesota.

That may be good news for deer hunters this season, but it’s not good news on the roads. “Autumn is the deadliest time of the year for deer/vehicle crashes,” says Nathan Bowie, spokesman for the Minnesota Department of Public Safety (DPS).

During the three years through 2010, 7,751 deer-vehicle crashes were reported to the DPS. More than one-third occurred in October and November, resulting in 19 deaths, 15 among motorcyclists.

“That 7,751 number is probably on the low end,” said Bowie. “Imagine if Triple AAA or insurance companies came in with their numbers…. The 7,751 were just the ones reported to DPS.”

In Anoka County, there were 105 deer-vehicle crashes reported last year, causing 18 injuries and one fatality. Numbers for 2011 won’t be available until early next year.

Jeff Perry, park operations and natural resources manager for Anoka County, said it’s a busy area. “Based upon the quality and quantity of favorable deer habitat relative to other metro counties, Anoka County may be one of the most active for car/deer collisions,” he said.

Deer are generally most active during twilight and darkness, he said. “Drivers should be alert and prepared to quickly react to deer that are crossing roads,” he said. “Also, if a deer is spotted along a road edge or ditch, chances are pretty good that there is more than one deer and drivers should slow down and proceed with caution.

“I think in terms of the deer population index, over time, Anoka County numbers have been high,” said Perry. “I can only speak for our larger park units, where we actually do aerial surveys and analyses.”

There are 5,000 acres in the Lino Lakes, Columbus and Centerville areas that serve as a large refuge. The deer population there has been abundant over the year. “We’ve had controlled deer hunts in eastern Anoka County over the past 20 years,” said Perry.

The Anoka County Parks office says that as the metro area has continued to expand, parks have become enclosed with roadways and developments, isolating the deer populations. Natural predators have decreased; therefore the populations are swelling, and are beyond the carrying capacity of the land.

Result: More deer. And lots of deer crossing the roads.

Kelly Jo McDonnell is a Twin Cities freelance writer.